When I stumble and fall…

My flamenco journey travels in company with the elements of my life that fuel it. Most of the time, the journey is a harmonious retreat. Sometimes the path is an over-grown and unchartered trail.

I often write about my triumphant, satisfying and humorous moments because my flamenco dancing is intrinsically tied to them. It is natural, and expected, for those moments to reach your dance.

What I am struggling with now is a new feeling for me, the bigger picture. Am I where I should be? Am I doing what I should be doing? Am I a part of anything bigger? Do I make people happy? Am I happy? Why am I so off-balance? I am not sure how to express these except to allow the raw purity of it to escape my pen and body in an equally raw form.

Someone recently told me I was like a tractor, always pushing through with the resilience of a piece of heavy machinery. While I take that as a compliment, it also gives me pause. Most times, it is true, I plow face-first into life’s obstacles, determined to get through the massive field that stretches for what seems miles in the distance. But, sometimes, the tractor needs fuel, sometimes, the tractor needs repair, sometimes, the tractor must take a rest.

So, how does this parlay into my flamenco dancing? How do I make this stumble a part of my dance? The obvious answer is to bring all my emotions with me on the dance floor and give strength to what I emit. That has been challenging. I had another person say to me a few days ago they think I have finally found my flamenco style, that stressful situations can bring creativity. I hope that is true. I don’t know what else to do with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I have many wonderful things in my life and feel blessed in many ways. But…the tractor is tired of always being the tractor.

I will find a way. I always do. I don’t know how to quit. In staying true to the personal “diary” intent of my blog, however, I must also document when vulnerability positions itself at my feet. I will stomp it out, one way or another.

 

Painting by: Miki de Goodaboom, 2010