It has been a few months since I have written here. There are several reasons for this; I’ve been writing more travel-related (paid and published) articles, I have been performing more (always good news), and, as opposed to last year, just getting out from behind the four walls and enjoying life more. There is another reason. Words have escaped me lately. I between all the smiles and performances and writing about the fantastic cultures I have momentarily resided in, I am holding a compartment closed deep inside myself.
Here’s the thing. I have feelings, thoughts,emotions, opinions that I cannot express to anyone. That may sound silly, being a writer and all, but in my heart, I feel it’s true. I do not want to upset or offend anyone or hurt feelings. I do not want the Spanish Inquisition reconstructed on my behalf. Mostly, I don’t want to disappoint people. There are things people close to me won’t understand or like. I shouldn’t care but I do.
These are also things I cannot write about, publicly or privately. I just can’t seem to find the right words. I have written about many personal things, but I cannot find the words in this case. Major life decisions are in front of me and I am keeping it all inside. At least until I figure it all out for myself.
This, my dear readers, is where my flamenco dancing comes in. Through all of these pent-up thoughts, through confusion, sadness, loss, and disappointment, through doubt and contemplation, there is my beloved flamenco to pour it all into. When I’m on the dance floor, nothing else exists. Trouble melts away and strength manifests. I can – and do – take everything I’m feeling inside, all the unspoken things, and release them when I dance. It makes the process somehow more manageable.
Flamenco is accepting and forgiving. It doesn’t judge or hold a grudge. It doesn’t express displeasure or ask questions. It doesn’t expect anything from me other than what naturally flows through my veins. It just lets me be whatever I feel at the time, all the time, every day. With flamenco, I can be myself. Flamenco gift wraps my pain and sets it at my feet, waiting for me to unwrap my dance.
It has been a true gift in my life. My passion for flamenco is fueled more and more every day as I realize it gives me back everything, and more, that I give it.
When I can’t speak the words in my heart, I can still dance them.